a continuation of thoughts on art and words...

While writing my previous entry, I was reminded of not only my love for words, but for artistic expressions of their meanings. Personally, this is why I love tattoos...at least the ones that have intentional thought put behind them. I didn't get my tattoos as a method for sharing the gospel (though they have served that purpose more than once), and I know there are other ways to express one's story...but I've yet to regret my decisions.

The majority of this tattoo was done on an indian reservation in Arizona. For me, the experience of getting this tattoo was almost as significant to what the image means to me. After working with dozens of children from abusive situations at the foster home on the rez, I didn't want to return home the same. So often, it's easy to become numb to what the Spirit teaches us in pain. To this day, I still pray that my heart would be protected from ignoring what my eyes have been opened to. Some days it's easier not to feel for those we know that are hurting.

I wrestled before and after I left the rez with what hope looked like for the people I may never see again. God spoke to me about what it meant to intercede for others in prayer during that time--to fight for those who need the freedom that Christ offers. As I came face-to-face with my own helplessness in the situation, I struggled with a lack of peace inside of my heart.

That is why, when I returned to AZ, I chose to get this tattoo, reminding me of the peace and freedom that comes when we hope in Christ, though we may not see what he is doing (which is why this tattoo is on my back--I can't see it every day, but I still know it's there. My other tattoo--"beloved" in Hebrew--is on my hip, where I can see it every day...reminding me of my identity in Christ).

As I write this, I am yet again reminded of the limitations that words have. I will be the first to admit that the words we choose to speak and write are of great significance, but if stories were only told through words, the world would be a very boring place. 

Ephesians 2:14

I lose a lot of sleep over thinking about words. I have a hard time shutting my mind off at the end of the day, making me prone to insomnia. Sometimes it's mindless...I once spent an hour trying to figure out how many 3 letter words could be rearranged to make 3 different words; like ate, tea, eat. That's just one example of the list I complied.

But aside from my obsession with unscrambling words (I probably have some sort of psychological disorder), I think a lot about definitions of powerful words. Even if I start out dreaming and pondering and dissecting and analyzing in complete sentences (I usually think like I'm writing or speaking), I find that I eventually condense my thoughts into a flow chart of words.

Risk. Courage. Vulnerability. These are the words that have been rolling around in my mind over the past few weeks. They've stayed there for an abnormally long time.

I've recently started painting. I enjoy most things creative, so I thought this would be an endeavor worth pursuing. It's definitely not my hidden talent (I think becoming a rap artist is more likely. I'm serious. If you don't believe me, ask me about "This is why I'm hot"), but I started to wonder if it would help me see communication in a different light. If it's true that words can paint pictures, I wanted to see their visual beauty.

I started with "Hope", a seemingly easy word for me to unfold on a canvas. I moved on to words like "Grace" and "Truth", and while these words have a rich depth to them, I found myself able to tell a story.

But when it comes to words like risk, courage, or vulnerability, I had blank canvases in front of me. And I found myself suddenly frustrated with the subjective nature of art. I knew there were experiences and truths inside of me that would speak to what these words mean, but my objective nature quickly dismissed all of this.

It's so much easier for me to depend on my mind rather than my heart. I fear moments when I have to live out words I can't find definitions for in my mind. I'm much more comfortable with that which I've prepared myself to understand. 

God is asking me to sacrifice an image of having everything figured out for the presence of true humility. Christ is the image of perfection...in truth, humility, grace, courage, joy...

And He himself is our peace.

cooking resource! (especially designed for those who love planning)

I'm making a point to update my blog more. For me, writing is an art. It takes introspection and vulnerability...which require a great amount of mental and emotional energy. But I'd like to make my blog a place to share simple things I enjoy as well! This first entry is inspired by the movie "Julie & Julia"...and the fact that my hands smell like onions and peppers.

This afternoon, I helped my friend Jenny in Indianapolis cook meals for her family. She just got a cookbook that has "once-a-week" and "once-a-month" recipes and instructions. You can tell this book was made for the practical person--it lays out the instructions (even includes a grocery list) in simple steps. And the recipes are more fun that just your basic spaghetti, but not too complicated for anyone who isn't an advanced cook (and is easily adaptable for those who like to experiment). We finished 10 meals in under 3 hours, enjoyed each other's company while we did it. 

As a person who often cooks for one, I find myself throwing away onions, peppers, and the like because I'm focused solely on one dish. But if I had a way to use all my resources well, I could save money and spend less time cooking. AND, as an added bonus, I'd have meals ready to give away to friends during times of need (funerals, births, etc.). So I got on the internet to research more "once a month" cooking, and found this:

http://onceamonthmom.com/

Now, I'm not a mom...but I still like the idea of dedicating one day to cooking meals for a specific time period. On a weekly basis, I run out of energy to cook with my busy schedule, and end up eating out more than I should. It would even be awesome to do something like this with a group of friends--split the grocery bill, cook together, and then send home food with everyone! This site even has coupons and notifies you of grocery store sales. And all the plans are designed for 2 people to work on together, so it's perfect for friends!

I definitely will be using this resource--maybe not once a month (our freezer might explode)--but on a less ambitious scale at first!

a new year, a new step

Sometimes the new year feels like a "reset" button...a chance to start over, to move on from the past, to abandon the old and pick up the new. For a perfectionist such as me, I love new beginnings, because I get the opportunity to do things a little bit better than I did last time. I was one of those weird people that loved taking tests and getting back my scores in school, because I was able to better assess, evaluate, compare, and analyze the potential for improvement.

This new year, I found myself thinking more about the past and less about the future. I wondered why, as I usually look forward to sitting down and setting goals (and a plan to accomplish them) in the new year. But I think God was challenging my idea of the "reset" button.

Renewal. Restoration. Rebirth. Redemption. These are all aspects of the Christian life that are seen as we grow in maturity. And the beauty is seen in all of them when we understand where we came from (and what we are commanded to grow towards--"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48).

I will not dwell on the past, but I will not forget it either. I will GROW from it. And I will remember that moving on in the future is not about rising above the pain of failure and heartache, but allowing God to heal and ultimately rejoice in my sufferings for His glory. Sometimes I treat my past like it's categorized into a series of time spans that's mapped out on a graph based on how little struggle I went through.

This year, I want my eyes opened wider to how God sees my life...not based on comfort or happiness, but on dependence and surrender.

I want to speak of the provision of God...not just in my joy, but in my deepest sorrows. 

I want to claim the freedom that is found in a new birth in Christ...not forgetting that his love is made perfect in my weakness.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I love the word complete in this passage. The dictionary defines complete as having all the necessary steps in order to be fully carried out. When I read these verses, I picture a staircase in which I am walking up. Some of the stairs are nicely carpeted, others are made of unfinished, splintered wood. As a perfectionist, I would like my staircase to look pristine and uniform.

But each step is made for a reason. It's taking me closer to completeness in Christ. Growing from the past doesn't always mean starting over and forgetting the past. God's love has been the same; yesterday, today, and forever. From the day I was born to now, he's been shaping me with a testimony of how He has overcome.

And so, may I learn to see 2010 more like another step towards growth and less like a "reset" button that was pushed at the end of the midnight countdown.

"i will give you rest"

Tired.

It's the number one word I use to describe my state of being on a weekly basis. I think many others do to. And we all wish that it was different...we all hope to wake up the first time our alarm clock goes off without hitting snooze with abundant energy. But that rarely is the case. I've lived many of the days of my life physically, mentally, and/or emotionally tired.

At the end of this day, I find myself yet again with very little left to give. But this time, there's a beauty in the emptiness. As I reflect on the events that have filled the past 12 hours, I recognize that my need for rest is not caused by my own efforts to cling to that which I want to control. My weakness does not come from carrying my own burdens, for my work would then be in vain.

Rather, it comes from a constant pouring out and surrender of those very things. It is a testimony to my humanity, and the realization that God is asking me to let go of that which I value most, so that it may be for His glory instead of my own.

After surrender is rest. 1 John 3:16-20:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

I want to end my days know that I have lived out the love that requires me to lay my life down for others. It will take everything in me to do so, but when I arrive in His presence ready to be filled again, the reward will be great. I have a God who knows my heart.