It's the number one word I use to describe my state of being on a weekly basis. I think many others do to. And we all wish that it was different...we all hope to wake up the first time our alarm clock goes off without hitting snooze with abundant energy. But that rarely is the case. I've lived many of the days of my life physically, mentally, and/or emotionally tired.

At the end of this day, I find myself yet again with very little left to give. But this time, there's a beauty in the emptiness. As I reflect on the events that have filled the past 12 hours, I recognize that my need for rest is not caused by my own efforts to cling to that which I want to control. My weakness does not come from carrying my own burdens, for my work would then be in vain.

Rather, it comes from a constant pouring out and surrender of those very things. It is a testimony to my humanity, and the realization that God is asking me to let go of that which I value most, so that it may be for His glory instead of my own.

After surrender is rest. 1 John 3:16-20:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

I want to end my days know that I have lived out the love that requires me to lay my life down for others. It will take everything in me to do so, but when I arrive in His presence ready to be filled again, the reward will be great. I have a God who knows my heart.

This year, almost all of my favorite major league players made the playoffs. Now, while I LOVE the Cardinals and usually anyone who plays for them (there are a few exceptions), this list would be boring if it was made up of players from one team. But these are my top three players to watch:

Magglio Ordonez--I was cheering for the Tigers to make the playoffs this year because of him. I first started watching Magglio when he played for the White Sox (one of my favorite AL teams, though I consider the NL to be a much superior league--not because of talent or record, but because of the DH). Plus, he just has a cool name.

Todd Helton--my dad and I would often compete in fantasy baseball together when I lived at home. Todd Helton was my prized possession for the required "rookie pick" on our team (my dad picked Mark Kotsay--also a good player, but he didn't earn as many points as Helton). And Helton's only gotten better since then.

Albert Pujols--of course, I couldn't NOT put him on the list. There is no better current baseball player than him (I'm not bias...you can ask anyone this question, and his name will be mentioned). But beyond baseball, this quote from his website sums up why I love him so much: "If you asked me about the pinnacle of 2006, you would probably be surprised to learn that winning the World Series or winning my first Gold Glove at first base was not the highlight moment of the season for me. My personal favorite moment during that season was seeing two of my friends and teammates come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. That was the peak of my year!"

"But how much happier you would be if you only knew that these people cared nothing about you!  How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it; if you could really look at other men with common curiosity and pleasure; if you could see them walking as they are in their sunny selfishness and their virile indifference!  You would begin to be interested in them, because they were not interested in you.  You would break out of this tiny and tawdry theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers."

G.K. Chesterton

"Humility is the mother of all virtues; purity, charity and obedience. It is in being humble that our love becomes real, devoted and ardent. If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. If you are blamed you will not be discouraged. If they call you a saint you will not put yourself on a pedestal."

Mother Teresa

The first, Watermelon Sour Patches. Now, you can buy Sour Patch Kids almost anywhere, but they just aren't the same as these. Target is the only place I can find that sells this candy regularly...except the movie theater (which I rarely visit...and when I do, I don't buy food--paying $4 for a small box is not worth it no matter how good it is!).

Since I don't like chocolate, people often ask me if there's anything that compares to the love others have for chocolate. My answer: peanut butter. But I have found NO peanut butter that compares to Skippy Reduced Fat Creamy Peanut Butter. I love this stuff so much, I've actually ordered it in bulk off the internet (laugh all you want, but I'll keep doing it!). I go through about a jar a month.

But enough about the new experiences that carry with them greater responsibilities, resulting in both good and bad emotions in the moment. This entry is solely dedicated to those "firsts" that are only attached to pure enjoyment. 

Perhaps I should share with you a picture to get you started:

This is Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point. While it may not look like much from this picture, you should know that this ride takes you from 0-120 mph in 3.8 seconds. Not only that, but you go completely vertical 420 ft. in the air, and then come back down again.

And Trent and I rode it. Twice.

To help you understand how crazy this is, you should know that up until our trip to Cedar Point, I had really only been on 3 (maybe!) "real" roller coasters. Sure, I had been on countless Disney rides and other mini-coasters that usually had a mining cave theme to them...but those no longer count. 

So Thursday was a day full of firsts...first time going upside-down on a roller coaster, first time riding more than 2 roller coasters in a day, first time traveling 120 mph on the ground (I'm not counting plane rides), first time on a standing roller coaster...the list goes on and on. 

Now, there were a couple of non-firsts to mention that were quite enjoyable as well. It was my second time eating an elephant ear (both times have been with Trent though...quite a romantic food, I suppose?). My second time visiting Clay (Trent's best friend) in his hometown outside of Akron, OH. And it was Trent and I's 579,026 road trip together. OK, maybe not that many...let's see, Illinois, Indiana, Cincinnati, Illinois, Cincinnati, Pennsylvania...we're averaging about 1 per every month we've been together!

And there's no one I would have rather experienced all of these firsts with than him (haha...yes I'm being super girly...and there's more to follow). But there's something about being with him that just makes me more brave to try things I would normally be scared to death of. He's comforting and encouraging and unselfish (I have to stop there because if I start listing all of his good qualities, I will have reached a new level of mushiness on this blog that I don't think I am comfortable with), and I feel safe when I'm with him because of it. 

I leave you with one final thought: Millennium Force is the best roller coaster ever.

However, much of my travel time is spent in a car rather than a plane...sometimes for 3, 4, or even 8 hours at a time on a road trip to some domestic destination. I've become intrigued with unique road trip games and other random entertainments. More than a simple license plate or billboard alphabet game (though they can be enjoyable as well), I've had help finding other ways to fill my time. Trent and I came up with a version of "radio bingo", where we fill a paper grid with frequently played songs and search for them until one of us find 5 in-a-row. He also introduced me to RadioLab, a show on NPR that explores topics such as "time" or "laughter" in an unusual but very intriguing way. I haven't been able to stop talking about it (or the things I've learned--did you know that rats laugh when they are tickled?!?!) since I first listened to it. 

I also keep a box of "loaded questions" in my car for any commute, no matter how long or short. As I was driving to dinner tonight for Julie's birthday celebration (for those who live in Louisville, you MUST go to Napa River Grill if you are looking for an upscale restaurant with delicious food!), she got the box out and began asking Devin and I questions. She'd skip over the "lame" ones, and we'd laugh about what candy we'd most like to be or what celebrity we'd most likely stalk. But then we came to one slightly more serious in nature:

"What one word would you use to describe God?"

The question was immediately dismissed as being "too big to answer." Of course, as a lover of words, answers flooded through my head. Holy, powerful, just, Jehovah-Jireh, all-knowing, gracious...the list could go on and on.

But as I sit on my porch, surrounded by the dark stillness of this summer's night and the clear sky that displays God's glory from thousands of miles away, only one word resonates in my mind.

Good.

God is good. 

His goodness is worthy to be praised.

It's such a simple word, not as eloquent as sovereign, benevolent, infinite, or faithful. Yet I truly believe that the goodness of God is not always easy for us to grasp or truly believe. It tells so much of His nature, His love; that he is FOR us, not against us.

What one word is most significant to you, at this moment of life, in describing the nature of God? 

I'm quick to publish most of my life in written words on my blog, but I'd like this letter to my parents to remain special and unique to them, so I'll give my readers a small snapshot of what it contains.

My dad is the kindest man you will ever meet. There's never been a day where I've questioned his love for me...and it was even seen through personal sacrifice growing up. He's always desired to be a part of my life and made the effort to understand who I am. He's patient and slow to anger. He also is responsible for teaching me everything I know about some of my favorite things in life...the most important being the St. Louis Cardinals...haha! 

My mom is my hero. I've never known someone to work as hard as her, since growing up she gave her family full attention even though she worked full-time. She's a strong leader that I've been able to learn from, while at the same time being sensitive to my feelings. I can talk to her about anything and know that I will have her undivided attention. Just recently, her desire to know the word of God and believe that "perfect love casts out fear" has spoken volumes to me.

Together, my parents have been a testimony of love for me to call upon. They've put their family first, and are committed to growing in their relationship with God as they move into the future. I miss them greatly with the miles that are in-between us, and love them deeply.

Like many people, I grew up thinking that religion would save me...or at least make me a better person if there wasn't anything I needed to be saved from. I struggled to reconcile the different truths of the churches that had an influence in my upbringing. Nonetheless, as I look back, it is evident that all of this influenced my surrender to God's grace.

And although the memories of these defining moments stand out, there is an address that has much more significance. Perhaps this is because I don't recall every conversation that happened within those walls, every prayer that was prayed, every question asked...but I know this is where I first encountered the one true God.

I'll never forget the eternal impact of that house on Copper Creek Road, because it contained a family committed to demonstrating the love of Christ through honesty and hospitality. They were (and still are) there for me, even though my visits are less and less frequent over the years.

I remember standing at CIY next to them when I first heard God speak to me. Perhaps that was the first time that I really knew God was real, that He loved me and created me and was for me, and that I couldn't help but respond to Christ's death and resurrection with complete obedience.

Before I left for college, I remember telling Gonzo and Lynne (at CIY as well) that I wish I could say I owed my life to them...but rather, because of them, I realized I owed my life and everything in it to my creator.

I'm going home this weekend, so a picture awaits this entry, but until then, I have stories! I went to Kindergarten at Trinity Lutheran School, and Mrs. Colba was my teacher. My parents described me as a shy little girl, who would barely talk and often get nervous in situations that were not familiar. But my teacher would often tell them that I was "gifted" (which I guess means smart!). I have a few memories from Kindergarten that stick out to me. I remember the dress I wore on the first day (red and black with apple and school bus buttons on the top), achievement tests where we'd build brick walls on the U-shaped tables to separate each student, letter people...

Day 4 -- Four legged friends make the best pets. Find a way to spend some time with a 4-legged creature...visit a zoo or hand out at a house with a 4-legged pet.

When I was in Kindergarten, I was afraid of dogs. People would say to me, "Don't run away from the dog, it will only chase you." Anyone else find this advice ridiculous at 5 years of age? I never knew how to combat the "flight" instinct, so I ended up running for "my life" (or so I thought) many times in my younger years.

But times have changed! This weekend, Trent and I went to Cincinnati to visit his siblings, and we were able to play with his brother and sister-in-law's dog, Pepper. Regardless of the fact that I was allergic to him, he still liked me. 

Day 3 -- According to "School House Rock", 3 is a magic number. Google and watch the video of the song. Appreciate the fact that it's exactly 3 minutes long.

Unlike most girls, I didn't spend the majority of my teenage years doing this every day, making lists about what I wanted in a future husband or planning my dream wedding. But that doesn't mean I haven't had to ask God for confidence and patience in this area of my life.

God has shown me--through His faithfulness--that when you truly surrender something to Him, He will give you more than you ask for (after all, His Word promises this, so why would I be surprised?!). I suppose I've had a tendency to cover up my God-given desire to love, serve, and respect one man with my independent nature. For many years, I held relationships at a distance so I could have control of them.

Last summer, God asked me to let go of this. It was obvious--if I was depending on my own efforts, I wouldn't be pursuing holiness. That's what God asks from us--to be humbly refined by relationships, through the good and the bad, so that we look more like His son. When we do this, there is amazing freedom found in the comfort of our identity in Christ.

I see many girls who struggle with patience, control, and confidence when it comes to romantic relationships. I know I certainly have. The solution isn't found in dating someone. It's found in approaching the Lord with an attitude of selflessness, asking not for that which I think will make me happy, but that which will please Him.

As I grow closer to the Lord--and as my relationships change and God reveals what His plan for me is--I pray that I am continually humbled, so that I may selflessly serve someone with the love of Christ. If marriage is what God has planned for me, I look forward to seeing how God uses that relationship to bring Him glory as a testimony of Christ's selfless love for the church.